One Million Moms, a side project of the hate group American Family Association, is very angry at JC Penney.

You see, JC Penney, probably drunk at the time on the white man’s fire water, hired Ellen DeGeneres, an openly gay person, as it’s spokesperson.

“Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families,” the One Million Moms wrote on their website.

By ‘traditional’, of course, they mean ‘backward’.

The One Million Moms is asking people to call JC Penney and complain.

“Please,” they beseeched, “for the love of God, pick up that phone and take a stand against all this evil homosexuality going on. Ellen and people like her need to stop expressing their sexuality they way they want and start expressing it the way we, the One Million Moms, think they should.”

The problem with the One Million Moms, despite the fact there isn’t even close to one million of them, is that Ellen DeGeneres is probably the most beloved television personality going.

“We just don’t get it,” the One Million Moms lamented. “How come it’s not the 50s anymore?”

The One Million Moms want JC Penney “to replace Ellen DeGeneres as their new spokesperson immediately and remain neutral in the culture war that only exists in our one million heads.”

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Discrimination (GLAAD) has responded to the One Million Moms with a resounding “fat chance.”

“A vast majority of Americans today support Ellen as well as their LGBT friends and family members,” Herndon Graddick, a GLAAD spokesman said in a written statement. “Selecting an out performer who has inspired and entertained millions, is not only a smart business practice, but a reflection of how LGBT Americans today are an integral and valued part of the fabric of our culture.”

DeGeneres’ daytime talk show has more viewers than the One Million Moms has moms. Ellen averages a whopping 3.38 million viewers. Pretending for a moment, like the One Million Moms themselves, that there really are one million moms in One Million Moms, that’s still 2.38 million more viewers than One Million Moms.

So they lose. They must now, officially, fuck off.

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