THE GREAT ASSWIPE CON OF 2011

These days, toilet paper is everywhere. It is one of the humblest hallmarks of civilization and is widely used, even in the American South. This year in Florida, however, it was used to bilk elderly customers out of more than 1 million dollars.

Federal prosecutors have dubbed it “The Great Asswipe Con of 2011”.

According to the Miami Herald, three individuals, two males and a female, who worked for FBK Products in West Palm Beach made unsolicited calls to age-addled retirees and convinced them to purchase unnecessary septic products using high-pressure sales tactics and outright lies.

Claiming to be affiliated with government agencies such as the Food and Drug Administration and Environmental Protection Agency, the “salespeople” convinced their victims to buy special soaps, detergents, and toilet paper, all of which were unneeded and expensive. In some cases, victims were convinced to buy so much toilet paper it would take 70 years to use it all (20 years if eating Taco Bell regularly).

On Friday, Newt Gingrich, taking a break from the campaign trail to dine on a few dozen donuts with his future ex-wife Callista, called the case “a shame” and “a prime example of the federal government overstepping its bounds to squash good old American entrepreneurialism.”

He then excused himself to go to the bathroom for the 8th time, even though it wasn’t even noon yet.

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