Individually, we each have so much money it would take four whole lifetimes to spend it all. Since we only have one lifetime, we use the rest to set the policies of the United States so that they are favorable to us in every single way. We must ensure that things continue pretty much as they are, for times are very, very good. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, we say. Lately, some have demonized us, but unfairly. We are not the bad guys. Please, take a few moments to get to know a few of our members and see for yourself:

Hello. I am Brian Roberts, the CEO of Comcast, and I was paid 31 million dollars last year. My company has probably the worst customer service record in the nation. Ask the millions of people who have no choice but to use us. You’ll find that we are, almost universally, reviled. Over the last decade, we have spent more than 10 million dollars on Congress to make sure we have absolutely no competition. This is, after all, a “capitalist” country. Haha.

I am Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE. Last year, we had profits of 14 billion, but paid absolutely no taxes on it. Not only did we not pay any taxes on our astounding profits, we were actually given an additional 3.2 billion of your tax dollars by the government. President Obama selected little ol’ me to advise him on creating jobs, most likely because I fed his campaign beaucoup bucks back in ’08. I’m good at creating jobs, too. As head of a vast international corporation, I helped transfer almost 2 million American jobs to China and other Asian countries. This helped China become the economic powerhouse that fuels our debt. If I hadn’t done this, where would the people of the U.S. have gotten my company’s 3.2 billion dollar bonus?

I am William Swanson, the CEO of Raytheon. I only made 7 million dollars last year, a tiny fraction of what most American CEOs are paid. My company, however, made a mind-numbing profit of over 25 billion bucks, mainly by building things for the military. Thank you, tax payers! Anyway, it is very important that we keep fighting the war in Afghanistan. Very, very important. Also, I understand that North Korea is lovely this time of year.

I am Al-Waleed bin Talal, Prince of Saudi Arabia. Using our incredible wealth, we will buy some 60 billion dollars worth of your finest military technology. I would like to thank you for spending so many of your tax dollars dropping bombs on our oil competitors. The only thing cooler than having all your neat military gear is not having to use it ourselves. Thanks again!

We are Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, etc. We’re here to make it seem like you have a real choice for the presidency. We all believe the exact same things, otherwise we wouldn’t be considered “legitimate” candidates. Although we’d like to take credit for it, we have to give kudos to our speechwriters, handlers, and marketers for making it seem like we’re different people with different ideas. God bless America and yadda yadda so forth.

I am Ron Paul. Some of my ideas are genuinely unique. Many would say that when it comes to politics I actually think outside of the box. I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.

I am Barack Obama, President of the United States of America. I use words and rhetoric to make it seem like I’m on your side, even though I’ve filled my staff with bankers and corporate lobbyists. Me and my buddy, the Federal Reserve, cut the largest check in the history of mankind and gave it to the very people who caused the worldwide economic crash. Thank you for blaming it all on the white guys.

Yes, we are the 1% and despite having all the money, power, and influence, the Occupy Wall Street movement has us worried. We have even told the corporate media, which we own, to ignore, denigrate, and mock the movement in the hopes that it will go away–this includes both brands of media, the openly right-wing media and the right-wing media pretending to be left-wing media to give the illusion of diversity of opinion. We have done this to no avail, apparently.

Republican Congressman Peter King sums it up well: “We have to be careful not to allow this [Occupy Wall Street movement] to get any legitimacy. I’m old enough to remember what happened in the 1960s when the [genuine] left wing took to the streets and somehow the media glorified them and it ended up shaping policy. We can’t allow that to happen.”

Max Stirner wrote that “the poor are to blame for there being rich men”, and it’s looking like the poor are beginning to realize this. They are waking up to the fact that we exist at their leisure.

How terrifying.

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