This, my friends, is what the United States representative to the the Miss Universe pageant wore as our “national dress”. It’s the part of the competition where the girls from around the world dress up in traditional ways that represent their cultures. I think I speak not only for Americans, but for all people everywhere when I say “What in the holy fuck?”

This is what we Americans, according to this scrawny girl, wear when we’re doing particularly American-y things, like going to baseball games, eating fast food, watching tv, and trying to lose weight. The only thing about it that can really be called American-y are the shoulder pads. They’re somewhat martial, in keeping with our war-like nature.

The diaper I totally don’t get. I’m American as all get-out, but, hello, I’m wearing boxers. I bet none of my fellow Americans reading this are wearing diapers either—unless that’s your “thing”, in which case *fist pump*

And what in the hell is on her head? A three-cornered hat on acid?

Thomas Jefferson would be so proud.

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