Bachmann: Turn Her Over; Drive!
No phrase is more American than ‘There oughta be a law’, not even ‘Will that be Large, Extra Large, or Super Duper?’ Americans have always been rule-happy, especially from about 1980 on. Every year there are more laws, ordinances, regulations, mandates, edicts, precepts, and requirements that we, the “free” people, must follow. Or else.
This rule fetish affects everyone, even me, the brilliant, bald-headed columnist you hate to love. Right now in fact, as I sit here innocently typing, I am in violation of one law, as well as a stipulation in my apartment lease. It’s cool, though. I was alive before both.
Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann likes rules, too. As a Republican and darling of the certifiable Tea Party, it should come as no surprise. “When fascism comes to America,” said Sinclair Lewis, “it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross.”
One of the more hilarious things Bachmann wants to outlaw is pornography. She signed the promise a couple of weeks ago in order to secure the endorsement of Bob Vander Plaats, an influential Iowa activist and failed gubernatorial candidate. Vander Plaats wants all candidates to sign this promise before he bestows upon them, like Zeus from Olympus, his blessing. So far, the glassy-eyed Bachmann has been the only one crazy enough to do it.
When he’s not busy demanding that pornography be banned, Vander Plaats is busy demanding that homosexuality be banned, and when he’s not busy doing that, he’s busy demanding that Sharia Law (read: Islam) be banned. There sure are a lot of people and things Vander Plaats wants banned. Hitler only had the Jews.
The pledge Bachmann signed also claims that black families were better off as slaves than during the Obama administration, which is simply not true during this enlightened age of corporate feudalism and debt serfdom. Apparently, like most committed Tea Partiers, she’s a bit dyslexic and thinks it’s 1102.
Michele Bachmann is a goldmine of contradiction and lunacy, making the rest of the whack jobs in the Tea Party look almost normal. She opposes big government, except when she’s raking in hundreds of thousands in federal farm subsidies. She’s so efficient at motherhood that she raised 23 foster kids in a single seven year period, no doubt with all the love and precision of a science fiction robot.
Unfortunately for Vander Plaats, Bachmann and other anti-liberty types, pornography can never be banned. It’s just too sexy.
I’m joking. It’s actually all the same and pretty boring, but, like the ban on drugs, it will be an instant, complete, and utter failure. Imagine if we turned pornographers into billionaires with their own private armies like we did the drug lords! We’d really have to lock up our women then.
No, the anti-liberty types are just going to have to go home, slip in the Leave It To Beaver DVD, take off their pants, and fantasize about a time in America that never was.