Chief Executive of Wimbledon, Ian Ritchie, is seen here so happy about the grunt and squeal reduction device employed by the BBC he could just shit.

Long plagued by the unearthly, vaguely sexual grunting and squealing of top players, tennis fans now have a recourse: the BBC, which has launched Wimbledon Net Mix. The program, or since we are talking about England, programme, allows viewers of this year’s Wimbledon to turn down the howling and turn up the commentating.

Alec Berg, a self-described “huge-ass Maria Sharapova fan” said the device will come in handy. “It’ll make it easier to concentrate. She already turns me on just lookin’ at her, but when I hear her panting and grunting like that, it’s all I can do to keep from whipping it out and going to town right there in front of everybody.”

The delectable Sharapova often exceeds 100 decibels on the court.

For the moment, Wimbledon Net Mix will only allow listeners to play with the sound on Centre Court matches, but plans are in the works to expand it even beyond tennis.

“We think it would work great on moronic, brain-dead MTV programming,” said BBC spokesman Clyde Lymp. “Imagine if you could turn off Snooki or get those whiny bitches on 16 and Pregnant to shut the fuck up.”

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