Jack Lalanne died today.

The guy was a fucking stud. He was 96.

He holds the world’s record for the most pushups ever done. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, he did 500 pushups in three minutes.

I can’t even do 5 pushups in 300 minutes.

One time, he swam from Alcatraz Island. With two rowboats tied around his neck. Two rowboats full of children. He was 60 years old when he did this.

I don’t even like kids, especially kids in rowboats.

He holds more than a dozen fitness records all told.

Me? I only hold 8.

Just kidding. I don’t hold any because holding is hard.

It’s heavy. Holding is heavy.

Can I sit down, please? I’m all tuckered out.

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