Around here, we got mountain lions. Occasionally, they’ll go into town and eat your dog. I’m not even kidding. A full-grown mountain lion can kill and eat a big dog, too, so if you’re one of those shithead hicks who likes big, mean dogs along with your pickup truck and football, I’m sorry. Too bad.

Hunting them has been legal around here for, like, three years now. It doesn’t sit well with everyone, including me. In fact, we don’t think they should be hunted at all. There aren’t that many. Leave them alone.

To hunt them, what the state does is throw a lottery. Redneck cocksuckers put their names in and the state selects like a dozen of them at random. These guys are issued tags, or licenses, to kill one mountain lion. Thus, every year a dozen perfectly good, fully functional mountain lions are taken out of commission.

You don’t eat mountain lion. Keep this in mind.

So this year, everyone opposed to mountain lion hunting put their names into the lottery. Two of them won and were issued tags. This means only ten mountain lions will be killed.


But there’s a however: if the state finds out these two aren’t going to hunt, they may issue two more tags, so


And next year, my name’s going in the hat, too!

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